The Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Were empties and buts left around by some louse
And the best bottles I’d hid in the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some bum who’d found them down there

My guest had long since been poured in their beds
To wake in the morning with some gosh awful heads
My wife too was cold with her chin in her lap
And me, I was dying for just one more night cap

When out on the lawn there arose such a tizzy
I sprang from my bed, and boy, was I dizzy?
Away to the window I tore like a flash
Fell over the table, broke a chair with a crash

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Made me think of the coal bill and all I did owe
When what to my wondering eyes did show up
But eight bloated reindeer hitched to a beer truck

With a little old driver who looked like a hick
But I saw it was Santa as tight as a tick
Like General Grant tanks those reindeer they came
And he hiccoughed and belched as he called them by name

‘On Schenley, on Seagram, we ain’t got all night
You too Haig and Haig, and you Black and White
Scram up on the roof, get off this high wall,
Get going you dummies, we’ve got a long haul’

So up on the roof went reindeer and truck
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could duck
And then in a twinkle I heard from above
A heck of a noise that was no cooing dove

Then I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear
Down the chimney he came right smack on his rear
He was dressed in furs and had cuffs on his pants
And the way the guy squirmed I guess he had ants

His droll little mouth made him look a bit wacky
And the beard on his chin was stained in tobaccy
He had pints and shorts in the sack on his back
And a breath that would blow a train off its track

He was chubby and plump and he tried to stand right
But he didn’t fool me, he was high as a kite
He spoke not a work but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the plastered old jerk

Then putting five fingers to the end of his nose
He gave me the bird and up the chimney he rose
He sprang to his truck and slid on his face
And finally managed to flip flop in place

And I heard him burp ‘ere as he passed out of sight
‘Merry Christmas to you all, and to all a Good Night’

With thanks to the copyright owner, whoever that may be (and in the extraordinarily unlikely event that copyright owner stumbles across this blog and objects to me reproducing it, I'll happily remove it).

Merry Christmas!